I have never spoke of dealing with my issues of infertility on my blog before, but after dealing with the issue for 14 months I think it is time I spoke out on the matter. This is by far the hardest thing I have dealt with in my lifetime. It has caused depression, anger, mood swings, and crying spats in public places such as my work. I have researched how to get through it on the internet and I have not really found anything that has truly helped me. That is why I wanted to share some things I have learned in my, over a year's worth of experience. The first thing I wish I would have done different is visited a doctor sooner. I thought a doctor would not really help you until I had been trying for closer to a year. We started trying for a baby in April of 2012 and I did not go to the doctor until December. That being said when you are seeing a doctor for the first time, it can take 2-3 months just to get in so please keep that in mind as well. Once I had my first appointment with my gynocologist, she gave me a menstrual tracking calendar. She told me to track my periods for the next 3 months and told me to make sure my husband and I are having sex on Day 12, 13, and 14. She said usually it is because the couple is not doing it on the right ovulation days. I left there discouraged and crying. I knew in my heart that was not the reason because my husband and I had taken our "trying" duties very seriously;) I had even been doing the ovulation strips up until then. FYI, I used the CVS brand for about 6 months and it showed me the days I was ovulating. When I switched to the more expensive clear blue brand, I realized I was not ovulating at all, so another tip is to spend the money on the clear blue brand. Anyway, I tracked my periods for the next 3 months and when I showed up for my next appointment in March she said my periods were very regular and gave me a prescription for medroxyprogesterone and told me to take it for the next 3 months and on my third period to come back to her and we would do a blue dye test. Once again I left her office in tears, I called my husband and told him I did not feel like I was getting any closer to getting pregnant. He suggested I get a second opinion and go see a fertility specialist. So I called my family physician, explained that we have been trying for a year and they gave me a referral. It took about a week and a half for the fertility specialists office to call me and the next availability for a new patient was in June, 3 months away. This caused another set back for me. I started calling these set backs because when I would try to be positive and say that it is in God's hands or it is not the right time because I am working and in school or in the process of moving. Something would set me back such as not getting answers at the doctor's office or the worse was finding out friends or even acquaintances were pregnant. Anytime I found out someone else I knew was pregnant I would have a breakdown, I would tell myself they didn't deserve it because they were not married or when friend's of mine would get pregnant I wouldn't even be happy for them, it just made me sad for myself. I have always been happy for my friends and only wished good things for them which is when I started noticing how negatively this battle was effecting me. The week before my third doctor's appointment I cried for 4 days in a row. When I would cry over not being pregnant it would last 1-2 hours. I was sad all of the time. The day before my doctors appointment I text my husband and told him I thought I should seek counseling. He had suggested it to me before but I never followed through on it. I cried again because I could not believe that I was so out of control with my body that I needed to speak to a counselor. I had never needed this in the past and it scared and upset me to need it now. I got through with them on a Tuesday and they told me they could get me an appointment that Friday. The next day was my doctor's appointment. Jeremy, my husband took off so he could come with me. Once we got in the doctor looked at my menstrual chart again, she said she wanted to do a blue dye test. This is a test where they fill your uturus with fluid to check that the fallopian tubes are not clogged and they take an x-ray while this is happening to show that the fluid is indeed coming out of your fallopian tubes. She also said that if there was any blockage this would help to clear it out. She told Jeremy he needed to get checked also or all of my testing was pointless. He explained that he had been tested back in January and the results showed that he was in the low-normal range. Two days later I went in and had the test done. It caused a lot of painful cramping and a little bleeding. My doctor told me that my fallopian tubes were so small that if an egg was to attach it would most likely get stuck and that she wanted to send me on to a fertility specialist, I was devastated by this news. Once again I was referred to a specialist ( a different one this time). They told me they could not see me until July 17th (2 months later). That afternoon was my first time to talk with a counselor. Since I hadn't seen my husband until then, I was crying telling him the results before we even made it into our counselor's office. I have now had two appointments and I will continue to see her as long as I feel is necessary. In my two visits with her I have already seen results. What I am working on now and what I encourage you to try is whenever I start to cry and have a breakdown, instead of thinking to myself "just stop crying" I think to myself "why am I crying?" I jot it down in a notebook I keep and have come to realize that my breakdowns are not just because I am not getting pregnant, they are for different reasons. Another technique I am starting is when I start to feel that tightness in my chest to try and tell my body it does not need to respond for me and give it all to God. I know, I know this sounds crazy, and I told my counselor that too. But she encouraged me to work on it and I have seen results. Please don't get me wrong I still get sad but the length of my breakdowns has shortened and sometimes I can stop my tear filled eyes into becoming a breakdown. My counselor told me in our last session to remember to give it to God. It occured to me that God has me on this journey for a reason. If I can help even one person's pain be lessened then the pain I have felt will lessen as well. When I started this journey I did not give it all to God as I do now. I would pray but I would get mad at him when I would start my period. It is this journey that I realize that life is not far. The first time I went back to church it was Easter Sunday and my parents asked us to go with them. The pastor said something I don't think I will ever forget. "God's delays are not God's denials". After that I started needing God and wanting to be with him. I was not afraid to tell him I was angry, he already new. Now I don't pray for him to give us a child, I pray for others and I pray for the strength to overcome this obstacle in my life. I write this today not as a success story because I am still going through it, I write this to let even one person know that you do not have to feel the sorrow you have now. If I could go back to April 2012 when we excitedly decided we were ready to have a child I would want to know these things:
1. It is going to be a long journey but thats OK
2. Put all your faith in God and not just the faith that he will do what you ask when you want it.
3. When you start to see changes in your regular behavior seek help.
4. Do not expect your husband to feel the same emotions you are and get offended when he doesn't.
5. Get a counselor sooner rather than later, it is nothing to be ashamed of, it will only help, not hinder.
6. See a doctor as soon as you get discouraged that you are not pregnant, if they tell you it is to soon, so what, at least they have you down that you have been trying since then.
7. Don't be afraid to talk about it. When I first realized we were struggling, I would just tell people we were not trying and we weren't ready to have kids. Now I can talk about it and let people know what I am going through. Instead of people thinking I am just some friend or coworker with serious mood swings I let them in on my latest doctor's appointments and news.
What I am wanting now and will continue to strive for, is the knowing that my time will come. I try to reassure myself it will and I believe it will for you too. Whether it be a natural birth, IVF, or adoption. If we want to be parent's bad enough, then our time WILL come!
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